Baby Snake

(The Saga of Caveman Hom, Episode 12)


[Previous Episode]

Fooella pause story for sip water from coconut. Tribe wait. We patient. And at last, he continue more:

He say when he wake, he see King Tra with guards, name Henn and Schmenn. Tra hold up lost willy. It look very small. It shrivelled with purple colour. 

Tra say, ‘Stig find willy on stone. At first he think it slug, but then he see blood. He see stone knife. And he realise — it terrible accident! So he pick up willy, bring Tra. Me clever, so me know what do — me find Krone for healing. And here me find Fooella. You sleeping, so me wait for wake. Now me want know — what happen?’

Fooella still have much pain, but he smile. ‘It not accident. It clever plan.’

‘What plan?’

‘Me cut off willy.’

‘Why you cut?’

‘Answer simple. Me want boobies. Me want pretty face with no hair. Me want be real woman. Real woman not have willy. Now me not have willy, so me real woman too. Now me best woman in tribe! Me important.’

Fooella expect words make Tra happy. He think now he real woman, Tra impressed! He think now Tra want sex. Maybe Tra make him Princess! Princess Fooella, he think. This great honour. He not mind pain — it small price. If he Princess, it worth it. 

But this only dream. King Tra not happy. Instead he have angry face. He throw cut willy in fire. It make loud sizzle! Then he shout Fooella.

‘What this? You say real woman not have willy? But me have willy — you think me not real woman? You think me only man with coconut on chest? You bigot, and worse — you wrong! Me real woman, but better — me have willy!’ Tra push aside loincloth, he show. ‘See willy? It big and strong, like snake! But it smell sweet, like flower in meadow.’ Then Tra thrust willy in face of Fooella. ‘Here,’ he say. ‘Sniff willy.’

Fooella sniff. It not smell like flower, but he lie. ‘It lovely,’ he say. ‘It fine willy, fit for King. It just like baby snake.’

‘That right,’ say Tra. ‘Me very proud.’ He put away willy. ‘All best women have willy. So you stupid for cut off. Now you inferior. You bad woman, like Krone.’

When Krone hear this, she hide laugh. But she not speak, only stir cauldron.

‘Me not mean offence,’ say Fooella. ‘Me sorry.’

‘That good.’

‘But me not stupid. Soon me grow boobies. Then you understand.’

King Tra think about this. ‘Me like boobies,’ he say. ‘Me want touch.’

‘You King! When boobies grow, me offer. Touching welcome! Kissing also allowed.’

Tra smile. ‘Me want touch boobies,’ he say. ‘Boobies nice. Me like big one. How long it take for grow?’

‘Me not know.’

‘Me wait,’ say King. ‘But me not wait long. Me hope boobies come soon.’ Then he leave with Henn and Schmenn.

Krone continue healing. Soon pain fade, and scar begin form. Every day Fooella check, but boobies not grow. Feet not shrink. Face not grow pretty, and still have hair. Every day Tra come, he look boobies, but not impressed — it nothing there, only nipple, like chest of man. 

Fooella ask Krone why boobies not grow. She shrug. She not surprise. She say it more to woman than man with no willy — she say it big difference. Fooella ask explain, but Krone only chuckle. She say she not have words. But Nature Spirit understand — if man cut willy, it no difference. He still man! Man is not woman. He human too, but different kind. 

Fooella think. Then he say, ‘Maybe me cut nuts off too.’

‘That bad idea,’ say Krone. ‘And it not make you woman.’

Then Fooella have idea, try make trouble for Krone. He ask about King Tra. But Krone laugh — she not fear Tra. She say Tra not woman, he only idiot man. Fooella say she bigot, but Krone only laugh more. ‘This silly,’ she say. ’But also it sad. Tra make big mess of tribe. Me live long life. Me see much. But never before me think men this stupid! It big surprise.’ Then Krone shrug. ‘Every day, me learn more of men nonsense.’

This make Fooella angry. ‘You bad woman!’ he shout. ‘You not know science! You nasty bigot, have superstitious view of women!’

When Krone hear this, she only laugh more. 

Now Fooella truly enraged! ’Me not safe here!’ he scream. ‘Me go!’ 

Finally, Krone stop laughing. ’Wait!’ she cry. ‘Cut willy is bad injury. It not healed! If leave now, infection likely. That bad.’

‘Me not care!’ shout Fooella. ‘Me woman! Me want only exist!’ Then he stomp off. 

Fooella return to own cave. He hungry, but not have food, so he sleep. When he wake he hungry more. He try hunt pig, but he fail. He try catch fish, but fish hiding. He try dig root, but he pick wrong one. He throw sick. Then he get fever. He have vision, see boobies grow big. He see hair fall from face, and feet shrink. He very excite. He run to cave of Tra for tell good news, but he weak from hunger. He fall at entrance. Tra take pity. Henn and Schmenn wrap warm in fur, give food. Next day Fooella feel better enough for show boobies. Tra summon tribe for watch big event.

‘Look,’ say Fooella, ‘me have boobies!’ He remove coconut. Tribe stare, but they not see boobies. Only Fooella see. He also show feet. ‘See how dainty?’ he say. ‘It feet of woman, very nice.’ 

Again tribe look. ‘Feet big,’ say Bok. ‘Toes hairy. It not pretty. It same like man.’

‘What?’ cry Fooella. ‘This nonsense!’

Tra step forward. He frown. He look close at chest of Fooella, but he not see boobies. ’Maybe it invisible,’ he say. Then he reach forward for squeeze invisible boobies. But it not there! Now Tra angry. He point finger of rage. ‘You lie!’ he say. ‘You not grow boobies. Face still have hair. Feet big, like paws of bear. You cut off willy for nothing!’

Tribe laugh. 

‘Fooella stupid,’ say Queen Buz. ‘She say she woman, but maybe it lie? No woman so stupid like this. So maybe she not woman. Maybe she man.’

‘No!’ cry Fooella. ‘Me woman!’

‘You say you woman,’ say Tra. ‘But you liar. You promise boobies, but they not arrive. You play dirty trick! This typical of man.’

‘Man bad,’ say Ang. ‘He make rule for oppress woman.’

Henn and Schmenn agree. ‘Man evil!’ they shout. ‘He always make trouble.’

‘Me woman!’ shout Fooella. ‘Me not make trouble. Me only exist!’

‘Maybe you woman,’ say Tra. ‘It no way tell. But you not have boobies, and now willy gone too!’

’Me want remind,’ say Buz. ‘It not long ago tribe have big problem women who not have willy. They try kill King Tra! They evil.’ Then he think. ‘At least they have boobies. That good. But Fooella not have — so what good he? It none.’

‘That right,’ say Tra. ‘He useless!’

‘Me not he!’ scream Fooella. ‘Me she! Me cut off willy, so me brave. Now me beautiful woman! Me have small feet, big boobies. Me stunning. What happen eyes? Whole tribe go blind!’

‘It nothing wrong eyes,’ say Tra. ‘Problem not with tribe. It only Fooella. He go crazy! So now he man.’

‘Man dangerous,’ shout Buz. ‘He oppress! We not want man here! This tribe only for women. And more — we not want bad women. It willy required. So truth simple. It not matter if Fooella man or woman; he big problem for tribe.’

‘That right,’ say Tra. ‘Buz wise. Fooella stupid. He not belong here. If he grow boobies, me lenient. But it not grow. So me exile Fooella.’

‘What this?’ sob Fooella. ‘It great injustice! You cruel King. You jealous of big boobies, small feet.’

Tribe laugh. 

‘He crazy man!’ say Buz. ‘Without willy, he dangerous. Quick — throw out, before he kill King!’

‘Me not man,’ cry Fooella. ‘Me woman! Me sexy.’

But it too late. Henn and Schmenn grab Fooella arms. They drag from cave of Tra, throw to ground. Rest of tribe follow. Henn spit, Schmenn kick. ‘You go,’ they say. ’And not come back! Or we kill.’ Schmenn kick once more. Then tribe leave.

Only Pevette stay. When Fooella stop crying, he give hug. Fooella cry again, but he hug back. Then Pevette speak soft. ‘Me want see boobies. Me want touch.’

‘You welcome,’ sob Fooella. Again he remove coconut.

Pevette look. ‘Me not see.’ He touch. ‘Me not feel. Me think big boobies is only imagination.’

‘You nasty woman,’ reply Fooella. ‘You bigot.’ 

‘Maybe that true,’ say Pevette. ’Who know?’ He shrug. ‘It not matter. You exile. What do now?’

‘Me not know. Maybe me cut own throat.’

‘What this? You want die?’

‘Me want.’

‘That wrong,’ say Pevette. ‘It against Nature Spirit.’

‘Me not care! Life cruel!’

Pevette think about this. ‘That true. But me know problem.’

‘What that?’

‘Problem is tribe. It no boobies here. Without boobies, women always sad.’ Pevette sigh. ‘It only boobies make life bearable.’

‘But me have boobies, and still sad!’

Pevette not want argue more. It boring. ‘It not enough boobies,’ he say. ‘Tribe need more.’

Then Fooella have idea. ‘Maybe me not cut throat. Maybe instead me go over mountain. Me look for bad women. If alive, me find. Now me bad woman too, so me join. Maybe it better life.’

‘That good idea! Bad women have plenty boobies.’ Pevette smile. ‘Me want see. Me want touch. So me come too.’

Then Pevette fetch food — he good hunter, so he have plenty. Then Fooella and Pevette leave tribe, climb mountain. It long journey. They lucky — weather warm, so not snow. But Fooella still have injury. And Krone right, it not healed. Soon it infected. It not possible move fast. Pevette grow impatient — he want see boobies! But still, he stay.

Journey continue. They reach top of mountain, and descent begin. Tree grow thicker, and more squirrel. They hear song of bird. They see rabbit, and distant goat. 

Then they find cave of stick. From inside come voice — it sound like woman! Pevette creep quiet to cave. He peek in! He see Arca and Cheri. He see boobies — it very nice! So then he lose mind.

At last Fooella finish story. It just in time — now soup ready! Gai, Fab, and Min fill few coconut, then carry to cave of stick for feed guard. When return, tribe eat. Fooella eat too. And dog.

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