Dream of Boobies

(The Saga of Caveman Hom, Episode 13)

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While eat, tribe talk more.

Nizzi say, ‘Foo tell good story. But that not mean it true. It only words. Why believe? It same like this — he say he woman, but he not. Words not change truth.’

When Fooella hear this, he cry again. ‘Me woman! Me tell truth!’

Nizzi pull face. ‘You stupid,’ she say. ‘You cut willy, but still man. You not know what is woman. You think it only man with no willy!’

‘No!’ cry Fooella. ‘Me not think that. Me know it more. If man cut willy, he still man — me agree!’

‘Oh?’ say Nizzi. ‘That good. Maybe you not so crazy like me think.’

‘Me not crazy. Me know what is woman.’

‘If know, you tell — what is woman?’

‘How you not know?’ ask Fooella. He astonished. ‘You woman too.’

‘Me woman,’ agree Nizzi. ‘That no dispute. But if you also woman, me confused. So me want explain.’

Fooella sigh. He shake head. ‘Me not believe this,’ he say. ‘It obvious. Me know me woman same way like you. It come from feeling inside. Me feel, so me know. It not matter if woman have willy — she still woman. Willy irrelevant.’

‘Then why you cut willy?’

Fooella tut. ‘Me already explain. Maybe you deaf? Me cut willy for grow boobies.’ Fooella point him chest. ‘See?’ he say. ‘Boobies big.’ Then he point feet. ‘Feet shrink,’ he say. ’This good.’

‘But feet still big,’ say Nizzi. ‘And boobies not exist. It only coconut!’

Tribe laugh. 

Fooella stare feet long time. He wiggle toes. Then he look feet of Nizzi. He think. Then he say, ’Maybe feet not so small like you. But soon they shrink more! Change take time. Boobies same — still growing!’

Nizzi throw up hands. ’This ridiculous,’ she say. ‘Me give up.’

Then Gai say, ‘Me know Foo from old tribe. He strange, always playing with worm. But he not bad man. It no need hurt feelings. That bad. He cut off willy — what man do this? It strange. So maybe he really think he woman! If he man, he unhappy. So why not we pretend, just for make smile? It no harm.’

Min roll eyes. ‘You say it no harm, but it lie! Lying bad. Me sorry for cut willy. It sad story. But what use pretend? It never change truth. If he think he woman, he wrong. ’ 

Again, Fooella cry. ‘Bigots,’ he sob. ‘Ruti, Cal, Fem, Min, Nizzi! These nasty women! It tribe of bigots!’

‘Enough,’ say Fem. ‘This go nowhere. It empty talk. No need big debate woman with willy. For now is bigger problem.’

‘What that?’ ask Gai.

‘Fooella here now,’ say Fem. ‘He want join tribe. So what do?’

‘We not need crazy man,’ say Min. ‘He only make trouble.’

‘Me not trouble. Me harmless woman!’

‘Of course you trouble! For you it one subject only — me woman, me woman! Small feet, big boobies! Look coconut! Me special!’ Min snort. ‘But you not special. You boring.’

‘That rude,’ say Gai. ‘It hurtful.’

Min laugh. ‘Me not care. He stupid!’

‘Me she!’

‘Aarrrgh!’ cry Min. ‘He never shut up!’

‘You cruel,’ say Gai. ‘Me kind. So me call him she.’

When Fooella hear this, he give big smile. ‘You good man!’ he exclaim. ‘Later me suck willy.’

Gai hold up hand for refuse. ‘Me not want,’ he say. ‘Me like sex only man.’

‘He man!’ shout Min. ‘What problem?’

’Me woman!’ reply Fooella. ‘But me suck willy good.’

‘It kind offer,’ say Gai. He put arm around Fab. ‘But me already have special friend.’

‘Me suck both willy!’

‘See truth?’ say Min. ‘Fooella think woman only for sex. That why he talk so much of willy.’ Min spit on floor. ‘He give women bad name.’

Fem raise voice. ‘Me want return to subject. What do?’

Tribe go quiet. We thinking long time. Me think too. 

Then me say, ‘Tribe have plenty women, only few men. This bad.’

‘That true,’ say Fem. ‘Tribe need babies.’

‘Me want babies!’ say Fooella. ‘Me help make.’

Me frown. ‘But you not have willy.’

‘That no problem. Me grow baby inside.’

Fem laugh. ‘That no good. For that, tribe have women. It shortage only men, for plant seed. Variety important.’

Fooella look sad. 

‘Tribe also need hunter,’ me say.

’We not need,’ say Min. ‘It plenty already. Anyway, me know Foo. He not good hunter. He even bad at catch fish!’

‘Then maybe he cook?’ me say. ‘Or make arrow?’

‘Forget idiot man,’ say Nizzi. ‘Maybe he good at suck willy. But nobody want! So he useless. We not want him here.’

‘But tribe have dog,’ me say. ‘At first me think he useless too. But me wrong — he catch rabbit! He good dog. Maybe Fooella same?’

‘Me not dog!’ shriek Fooella. ‘And me not he! Me she!’

‘Maybe Gai right,’ me mutter. ’It better call Fooella she. It less trouble.’ Me see Fooella open mouth for speak, so me glare him. And Fooella shut mouth quick.

Then Fem say Fooella, ‘What skill you bring? If only make trouble, it no good. This bad place for dream of boobies. It hard life on mountain, and crying solve nothing. So if join tribe, me want know — what do?’

‘Me expert on worm,’ say Fooella. 

‘What use that?’

‘Me not know. But me valid!’

‘What this mean, valid?’ Min shake head. ‘Me no idea.’

Nobody else know either. It mystery forever.

Now Arca stand up. Since earlier speak she say nothing, only listen. But now she angry. ‘Me not believe this!’ she say. ‘This Fooella — he come with other man to cave of stick. He assault Cheri! He bad man! And now he want join tribe? This bad idea. Me not tolerate man like this.’

‘Me good woman,’ mumble Fooella. ‘Me exist.’

But everyone ignore him.

Fem say, ‘Arca make good point. After this, how trust Fooella? It not easy. But question stay same — what do?’

‘Why not we kill him?’ say Arca.

‘No,’ say Cheri. ‘That wrong.’

‘You not want?’ 

‘It murder.’

‘But… but… he touch boobies! He not ask — he not care! He grab like piece of meat!’

‘Boobies survive,’ say Cheri. ‘Anyway, Fooella not touch. That other man. Name Pevette.’

‘What difference?’

‘Fooella try stop him.’

‘That right,’ say Fooella. ‘Me heroic woman.’

‘You shut mouth,’ say Arca. ‘Or me knock out all teeth!’

‘Me object,’ say Fem. ‘Me not want violence.’

‘But he lying!’ shout Arca. ‘He guilty, same like Pevette! He make up story for excuse bad action!’

‘We not know that,’ say Gai.

‘See again?’ say Ruti. ‘Man always defend other man! Maybe he want Fooella suck willy after all.’

‘What this! You dare insult honour of Gai and Fab?’

‘Pah!’ shout Ruti. ‘When willy involved, no man have honour. Every time, he put willy before women.’

Now Gai turn red. He angry! ‘It lucky you woman. If you man, me kick arse!’

‘Oh,’ say Ruti. ‘Look this — now we see true colour. He sexist, like pig!’

‘Now pig sexist?’ laugh Gai. ‘This too much. Maybe you sexist!’

‘That enough!’ shout Fem. ‘No more insult! We need solve problem. So far, there few suggestion: We kill Fooella, or knock out teeth. But me not allow violence. So it only two choice left: it Fooella join tribe, or exile. Me not hear other idea.’

Tribe grumble. We divided, everybody angry. But Fem right. It only two choice. But then me remember Pevette. 

‘We hear from Fooella,’ me say. ‘But maybe he lying? Maybe Pevette tell different story. Me want hear.’

‘Hom make good point,’ say Fem. ‘But it late now. It time for sleeping. In morning, we visit Pevette at cave of stick.’

Tribe agree. Before sleep, we give soft fur for make Fooella warm. We keep tied, but loosen bonds for comfort. We ask him not speak, or we silence again with hide of rabbit. He not argue, only thank for kindness. He lie down on fur, close eyes. He sleep. Soon tribe sleep too.

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