Kiss Arse

(The Saga of Caveman Hom, Episode 11)

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‘When women leave tribe,’ say Fooella, ‘King Tra get angry. It no women left, only Krone, and she old. Tra want woman for sex, but Krone no good. Instead she want young one with nice boobies. But tribe not have.’

‘That own fault,’ say Nizzi. ‘Tra stupid.’

Fooella smile. ‘Me hear funny rumour. Me hear King Tra want sex Krone, but she laugh. Tra try beg, but it no good. She try threaten, but Krone not scared. So then Tra grab stick. She try hit, but Krone move fast, grab stick from hand. She hit Tra with stick many time. Tra cry. Krone give good beating, then give back stick. She crumble herb in cauldron, heal wound. Soon Tra stop crying, but she humiliated. She never touch Krone again.’

Tribe laugh. 

‘Krone fierce,’ me say. ‘Me glad she give beating. But what wrong Tra? Everybody know Krone is woman who like sex only woman. She have sex man only for make Hom. Then she stop. She not want man again.’ 

‘But Tra is woman,’ say Fooella. ‘Not man.’

‘He say he woman, but he have willy. So what difference? Only coconut.’

‘You wrong,’ say Fooella. ‘It more.’

‘What more?’

‘If man say he woman, then he woman. If woman say she man, then she man.’

‘That nonsense!’ say Fem. ‘And it beside point. You, Fooella — finish story! Me want eat.’

So Fooella continue. He not so good tell story, so me change words. These words of Hom. But story still same:

He say Tra want sex woman, but tribe have only men. It problem. But then Buz have idea. One day he decide he woman, and he young — this mean he sexy! He find good coconut for wear on chest. He use stone for scrape hair from leg. He learn walk with wiggle. He speak in high voice. Then he find Tra. 

He say, ‘You Tra, King of Women! Me woman, so me beautiful, and have good smell. Me have nice boobies here behind coconut. Why not we have sex?’

Tra agree. He have sex Buz. He make Buz Queen. Then he remember father of Buz, name Boz. Boz once Chief, before Fem, but he drop big stone on foot; he get bad injury, trigger election. Now Tra give Boz special name too — he call him Father Queen. Boz very proud. 

Then Tra make rule. He say King, Queen and Father make Royal family. He say all tribe must kiss Royal arse. When see Father Queen, they kiss once. When see Queen Buz, they kiss twice. When see King Tra, tribe kiss arse twice, then once more with tongue. 

This new rule, but Tra not let tribe vote. He say democracy bad — it lead to chaos! Instead he have better system — he make rule for everybody. It no debate allowed. Then Tra wave stick. He say Royal family born to rule. They all women, so this mean women better than men. Women always gentle and pretty. Women clever. But men stupid. Also, they ugly and smell bad. So women need hit men with stick, for keep control. He say this natural.

At first men not agree, but soon have same idea like Buz. They scrape hair from leg. They wear coconut on chest. They have sex Royal family. Soon it no men left, only women! Everybody walk with big stick, but they not find men for hit. For short time is peace, but then come trouble. Everybody want be best woman in tribe, make big boast of own beauty. But who have most? It much discussion, but not reveal truth. Fighting begin, but question remain — who is great beauty of tribe? Who best for Royal sex? Nobody know. So fighting continue. It big problem.

But Fooella have idea. He think it clever. He remember he expert on worm. He know all baby worm is girl, never boy. No baby worm have willy. But when worm grow up she want sex. When worm meet other worm, she check for willy. If she find willy, then worm have sex. If not find, then one worm grow willy — it not matter which! Then worm have sex. 

After Fooella think about this long time, he know meaning. It mean girl worm same like boy worm, except one thing — boy worm have willy! If boy worm lose willy, he girl again. So why not human same? If man cut off willy, he become woman. Maybe he lose hair on leg. Maybe he grow boobies, and feet shrink. He get pretty face! Then, he not only woman — he good one! He most beautiful woman in tribe. When Fooella think this, he smile! He very happy for expert knowledge! Thanks to worm, he know exactly what do.

So Fooella take stone knife. He make very sharp. Then he place willy on flat stone. He position knife, take deep breath. Then he cut willy. He scream! Then he pass out. When he wake up, he feel terrible pain! He look — willy hang by thread, and much blood. He determined, so he finish cut willy. Again he scream, but nobody come. He feel faint, but he get up, find Krone. Blood drip on ground while walk. When Fooella find Krone, she shake head. She tut. But she say nothing, only try heal. She give food. Then Fooella sleep. 

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