Me Sulk

(The Saga of Caveman Hom, Episode 15)


[Previous Episode]

Soon return Arca, Cheri and Fab to big cave. They not catch Fooella. They find track, but he clever, lay false trail. It make confuse, give plenty time for get away. Now maybe he too far for catch. We know he steal bow and arrow, so he dangerous. Maybe now he hide in high ground? They think it not wise pursue. If plenty hunter, maybe it different. But they only few. 

‘Not few,’ say Mat. ‘It Arca and Cheri, also Fab. It two and one together.’

‘That make three!’ say Tix.

‘That right,’ say Mat. He give big grin. Tix smile back. 

Me proud of daughter. She good at counting! So me smile too.

But rest of tribe ignore. 

Garda finish cook food. Bivvi and Min put in coconut and take to Gel and Pevette. Then they stay for guard — who know? Maybe Fooella plan attack. Maybe he try rescue dying Pevette from clutches of evil women? We know he crazy. Nobody know what nonsense he try next.

Now tribe discuss what do. If Pevette right, men attack, but we not think they come soon. Maybe they ready now, but soon it snow. If not come now, we think they wait til spring. But nobody know future for sure. Tra crazy, and who know what lie Fooella tell? Maybe he say we murder Pevette! This make Tra angry. When man angry he always more stupid. So maybe he take big risk, make winter attack. 

Then Nizzi say, ’It sound stupid, but maybe it clever — we not expect, so not ready. If surprise, attack more chance success.’

Ruti say, ‘That true. Maybe stupid and clever is same?’

This idea cause much discussion. Sometimes it better do stupid thing. Then it bad mistake try clever. This mean sometimes clever stupid, and stupid clever. But it not always — so how decide? Tribe think about this long time. Everybody scratch head, but it not solve puzzle. We still not know what do. 

 But then me have idea. It work if Tra stupid, or if he not! So maybe it clever and stupid same time, like Ruti say. Me not know. But me think it clever. 

‘We need climb tree,’ me say, ‘for keep watch mountain pass.’

‘That obvious,’ say Nizzi.

‘Me know. But it more to idea. It no good only watch from tree. It true we have arrow, but if many men come, it not enough. Tribe need alarm.’

‘But when men hear alarm, they attack fast!’ say Nizzi. ‘They find lookout, they kill. What if tribe asleep? Then maybe we not hear. We not ready defend.’

‘Me think of that,’ me say. ‘That why we need quiet alarm.’

Nizzi laugh. ’If alarm quiet, how we hear?’

‘It hard explain idea,’ me say. ’Me not know it work. But me have picture in head. It take plenty twine and big stone. We tie twine to stone outside big cave, then climb tree. We find strong branch. Twine go over branch and back to ground. Then we take end of twine, we go far, find other tree. Again we climb, find branch. Again twine go over. We find other tree, do same. And again same, many times. In end twine stretch far, to tree of lookout. We pull twine tight, it lift stone. Then we ready. If trouble come, it no need shout — instead lookout cut twine. It far, but stone fall near. Tribe hear noise, we wake, we defend. Then men not hear alarm. They not expect defend. They think attack surprise, but they wrong. Now it surprise defend!’

Nizzi stare me. ‘That silly idea,’ she say. ’It never work.’

‘Maybe you not understand,’ me say.

‘What this? You say me stupid?’

‘Me not say—’

‘Urrgh!’ say Nizzi. She spit. ‘Me hear enough! You, Hom, always talking, always big idea! You think you clever. You think women stupid.’

‘What?’ me say. ‘That not true!’

‘Of course it true,’ say Nizzi. ‘Hom fall down mountain. It blunder, but he lucky — it save tribe! So now, everybody kiss arse. Hom puff up chest, talk big. Always men listen, men agree. But men never agree women, except Hom agree first. Hom always get own way. He just like Tra — he think he king! This tribe of women, but still it men in charge. It never change.’

‘Me not king,’ me say. ‘Me only Hom.’

‘You cunning,’ say Nizzi. ‘That why you not say it. You say, me Hom, me humble! Me loyal! Me good man! But everybody know truth. With you, everything is trick!’

Me shock. Me stare with open mouth. Me not know what say! 

’This crazy,’ say Gai. ‘It only from imagination! Hom not make trick. He only speak idea. Hom clever. He have many idea.’

‘That right,’ say Fab. ‘Everybody know Hom save tribe. It only luck — that true. But why matter? If Nizzi not grateful, that sad. Maybe she bad woman.’

‘Look this!’ say Nizzi. ‘Me speak truth! Hom King of Men! Always men listen Hom. But if woman speak, they not hear. It same like fart lost in storm. If woman raise voice, what next? Men say she bad woman, want hit with stick!’

‘That nonsense!’ say Fem. ‘Me Chief here. Me always listen women. Me not allow hit with stick. But idea is idea. If man have idea, why not me listen man?’

‘Gah! You not understand,’ say Nizzi. ‘You Chief, but you young. You not know way of men. You naive. You need listen elders. We see what happen.’

‘Me listen elders,’ say Fem. ‘Me listen everyone. But idea is idea.’

‘Everybody know Fem want sex Hom! It cloud judgement.’

‘That enough!’ shout Fem. ‘Me Chief here! Me demand respect!’

‘What this?’ me say. ‘Everybody know me have wife! Me not want women fight!’ me say. ‘Me want stop.’

‘Oh?’ say Nizzi. ‘See again, King Hom! He always tell women what do.’

‘Me not king!’ me shout. ‘Me not!’

Then me storm off. Me leave cave. Shouting continue. Me go to forest. Me find small river, me sit. Me stare at water. Me sulk.

[Next Episode]

Mind is Mystery

(The Saga of Caveman Hom, Episode 14)


[Previous Episode]

In morning me wake sudden. There big shouting — Fooella gone! We look twine. It cut. Tribe puzzle. But then Ruti remember: she try cut willy, but it already gone! When she see, she gasp. She drop knife on ground, but never pick up. Now knife gone, Fooella gone. Ruti feel stupid. She begin big sorry, but Fem interrupt.

‘It mistake,’ she say. ‘Me forgive. But now it no time talk of regret. If move fast, maybe we find Fooella. You — Cheri and Fab — you good at track animal, so maybe you track human too. Take Arca, and go quick. If you find, you catch. Then bring back to cave.’

‘But me hungry!’ say Fab. 

‘Eat quick,’ say Fem. ‘Then go.’

After eat, Arca take arrow and bow. Fab pick up spear. Cheri grab plenty twine. Then tracker leave cave for try find Fooella. It not much hope, but try never hurt. 

Rest of tribe walk to cave of stick for visit Pevette. Still outside is Ali, Cul and Cal. They tired, need return big cave for sleep. They also hungry, so Garda go back for make food.

Fem enter cave of stick, she greet. Me follow. It small, so tribe wait outside.

Gel get up, she give hug and kiss. Then Fem say, ‘How Pevette?’

‘Me have bad feeling,’ say Gel. ‘Pevette lose much blood. Me think soon he die.’

‘What?’ say Fem. ‘Why not you say this before?’

‘You not ask.’

‘But this important news! Me need know!’

‘Then why not you ask? Why not send messenger? Me not know magic, only medicine. How me read Chief mind?’

Fem angry for moment, but then she calm. ‘You right,’ she say. ‘Me sorry for shout.’ She shake head. ‘This bad situation — emotions strong. But shouting solve nothing. It important stay calm.’

Me agree. Fem wise. But she only human.

‘Me make mistake,’ say Fem. ‘We lucky it small. So now me fix — me speak Pevette now.’

Gel frown. ‘He sleeping. That important for medicine.’

‘Me understand. But me need hear story. If he die soon, it no time for waste.’

‘That true,’ say Gel. ‘So me allow. But me ask speak quiet, and short time only. Me not want Pevette excite. It bad for heal.’

Fem agree. She poke head outside cave, speak tribe, order quiet. Then she reach forward, touch face of Pevette. She stroke gentle. ‘Pevette,’ she say. ‘Wake up. It Fem here.’

Me see eyes flutter, then open. Pevette groan, then he speak. ‘Fem?’ he croak. ‘Chief Fem?’ He cough.

Gel offer water. Pevette drink.

‘It me,’ say Fem. ‘How you?’

Pevette smile, but he sad. ‘Me hurt bad,’ he say. ‘Me sorry.’

Fem frown. ‘Me not understand. Why sorry?’

Me laugh quiet. Fem cunning. She not want reveal knowledge. She not want Pevette change story for agree with Fooella. She want only truth. So she play small trick.

Pevette drink more water. ‘Me sorry for try steal woman.’

‘What mean, steal woman?’ ask Fem. ‘Me think you only touch boobies.’

’That true,’ say Pevette. ‘But it more. Me make big plan for impress King Tra. It no woman in tribe, but he want. So me decide go over mountain, find woman. Me want catch and bring back for give Tra. Then me important.’

‘What mean, it no women in tribe?’ ask Fem. ‘You not woman?’

Pevette laugh. ‘Me not woman. Me only pretend, for fit in.’ He shrug. ‘It politics.’

Fem nod. ‘Me know politics. It nonsense. But sometimes it necessary.’

Pevette smile. ‘You good Chief,’ he say. ‘You clever.’

‘What Fooella? He say he woman too.’

‘That different. He crazy. He really think he woman! He even cut off willy.’ Pevette shake head. ‘But it no difference. He still man, same like me.’

‘But yesterday you say you woman.’

‘That true,’ say Pevette. He think for moment. ‘It strange. It like me have two mind at same time. One mind believe. Other mind know it nonsense. This make first mind angry. Me confuse. So me pretend other mind not exist. But it always there. Maybe me crazy like Fooella, but less.’ Pevette frown. ‘Me sorry. Me bad at explain.’

‘Mind is mystery,’ say Fem. ‘It part of Nature Spirit.’

‘It different,’ say Pevette. ‘Mind lie often. Nature Spirit always tell truth.’

Fem smile. ‘You good man.’

‘No,’ reply Pevette. ‘Me bad.’ Then he begin cry. ‘You want truth? Me have big problem — me want see boobies often. When tribe have women, problem small. Boobies plentiful, me look, me see, me happy! When women leave, it no boobies, so me sad. Me make picture of boobies in mind, but it make problem worse! Soon me see boobies everywhere! But boobies not real, so sadness stay. It grow. And one day me decide, it enough! Me want real woman — no more pretend with coconut. Me want see big boobies! So me make plan for catch woman. Me tell Tra, he say it good idea. He send Fooella for help catch. He say timing good — snow fall soon. If we catch woman, it no chance rescue soon. We keep woman whole winter, have plenty sex. King Tra promise big reward for catch woman with big boobies.’

Pevette stop talking for cough again. Gel offer more water, he drink. But still he cough. He not stop. Then he begin groan.

‘That enough,’ say Gel. ‘No more talk! Pevette need sleep.’

‘But me have question,’ say Fem. ‘It only one.’

Gel tut. ‘Then ask quick.’

Fem nod. Then she speak Pevette. ‘In end it bad luck — you not catch woman. We catch Fooella, but he escape. Me think he go back over mountain. He find King Tra, tell story. What happen then?’

‘Me not know,’ croak Pevette. ‘But me think other men come. They bring many spear. They want catch women. They want see boobies too. They want punani! It better than pig.’

Fem sigh. ‘Me think same.’

‘Boobies nice,’ say Pevette. ‘For men, it meaning of life.’ He smile. ‘Why you think you win election?’ Then he cough more.

‘Talk finish,’ say Gel. ’It time for leave.’

Fem agree. She hug Gel. ‘Soon we bring food,’ she promise. ‘And more herb.’

Me also hug Gel. Me give long kiss. 

Then we go.

[Next Episode]

Dream of Boobies

(The Saga of Caveman Hom, Episode 13)


[Previous Episode]

While eat, tribe talk more.

Nizzi say, ‘Foo tell good story. But that not mean it true. It only words. Why believe? It same like this — he say he woman, but he not. Words not change truth.’

When Fooella hear this, he cry again. ‘Me woman! Me tell truth!’

Nizzi pull face. ‘You stupid,’ she say. ‘You cut willy, but still man. You not know what is woman. You think it only man with no willy!’

‘No!’ cry Fooella. ‘Me not think that. Me know it more. If man cut willy, he still man — me agree!’

‘Oh?’ say Nizzi. ‘That good. Maybe you not so crazy like me think.’

‘Me not crazy. Me know what is woman.’

‘If know, you tell — what is woman?’

‘How you not know?’ ask Fooella. He astonished. ‘You woman too.’

‘Me woman,’ agree Nizzi. ‘That no dispute. But if you also woman, me confused. So me want explain.’

Fooella sigh. He shake head. ‘Me not believe this,’ he say. ‘It obvious. Me know me woman same way like you. It come from feeling inside. Me feel, so me know. It not matter if woman have willy — she still woman. Willy irrelevant.’

‘Then why you cut willy?’

Fooella tut. ‘Me already explain. Maybe you deaf? Me cut willy for grow boobies.’ Fooella point him chest. ‘See?’ he say. ‘Boobies big.’ Then he point feet. ‘Feet shrink,’ he say. ’This good.’

‘But feet still big,’ say Nizzi. ‘And boobies not exist. It only coconut!’

Tribe laugh. 

Fooella stare feet long time. He wiggle toes. Then he look feet of Nizzi. He think. Then he say, ’Maybe feet not so small like you. But soon they shrink more! Change take time. Boobies same — still growing!’

Nizzi throw up hands. ’This ridiculous,’ she say. ‘Me give up.’

Then Gai say, ‘Me know Foo from old tribe. He strange, always playing with worm. But he not bad man. It no need hurt feelings. That bad. He cut off willy — what man do this? It strange. So maybe he really think he woman! If he man, he unhappy. So why not we pretend, just for make smile? It no harm.’

Min roll eyes. ‘You say it no harm, but it lie! Lying bad. Me sorry for cut willy. It sad story. But what use pretend? It never change truth. If he think he woman, he wrong. ’ 

Again, Fooella cry. ‘Bigots,’ he sob. ‘Ruti, Cal, Fem, Min, Nizzi! These nasty women! It tribe of bigots!’

‘Enough,’ say Fem. ‘This go nowhere. It empty talk. No need big debate woman with willy. For now is bigger problem.’

‘What that?’ ask Gai.

‘Fooella here now,’ say Fem. ‘He want join tribe. So what do?’

‘We not need crazy man,’ say Min. ‘He only make trouble.’

‘Me not trouble. Me harmless woman!’

‘Of course you trouble! For you it one subject only — me woman, me woman! Small feet, big boobies! Look coconut! Me special!’ Min snort. ‘But you not special. You boring.’

‘That rude,’ say Gai. ‘It hurtful.’

Min laugh. ‘Me not care. He stupid!’

‘Me she!’

‘Aarrrgh!’ cry Min. ‘He never shut up!’

‘You cruel,’ say Gai. ‘Me kind. So me call him she.’

When Fooella hear this, he give big smile. ‘You good man!’ he exclaim. ‘Later me suck willy.’

Gai hold up hand for refuse. ‘Me not want,’ he say. ‘Me like sex only man.’

‘He man!’ shout Min. ‘What problem?’

’Me woman!’ reply Fooella. ‘But me suck willy good.’

‘It kind offer,’ say Gai. He put arm around Fab. ‘But me already have special friend.’

‘Me suck both willy!’

‘See truth?’ say Min. ‘Fooella think woman only for sex. That why he talk so much of willy.’ Min spit on floor. ‘He give women bad name.’

Fem raise voice. ‘Me want return to subject. What do?’

Tribe go quiet. We thinking long time. Me think too. 

Then me say, ‘Tribe have plenty women, only few men. This bad.’

‘That true,’ say Fem. ‘Tribe need babies.’

‘Me want babies!’ say Fooella. ‘Me help make.’

Me frown. ‘But you not have willy.’

‘That no problem. Me grow baby inside.’

Fem laugh. ‘That no good. For that, tribe have women. It shortage only men, for plant seed. Variety important.’

Fooella look sad. 

‘Tribe also need hunter,’ me say.

’We not need,’ say Min. ‘It plenty already. Anyway, me know Foo. He not good hunter. He even bad at catch fish!’

‘Then maybe he cook?’ me say. ‘Or make arrow?’

‘Forget idiot man,’ say Nizzi. ‘Maybe he good at suck willy. But nobody want! So he useless. We not want him here.’

‘But tribe have dog,’ me say. ‘At first me think he useless too. But me wrong — he catch rabbit! He good dog. Maybe Fooella same?’

‘Me not dog!’ shriek Fooella. ‘And me not he! Me she!’

‘Maybe Gai right,’ me mutter. ’It better call Fooella she. It less trouble.’ Me see Fooella open mouth for speak, so me glare him. And Fooella shut mouth quick.

Then Fem say Fooella, ‘What skill you bring? If only make trouble, it no good. This bad place for dream of boobies. It hard life on mountain, and crying solve nothing. So if join tribe, me want know — what do?’

‘Me expert on worm,’ say Fooella. 

‘What use that?’

‘Me not know. But me valid!’

‘What this mean, valid?’ Min shake head. ‘Me no idea.’

Nobody else know either. It mystery forever.

Now Arca stand up. Since earlier speak she say nothing, only listen. But now she angry. ‘Me not believe this!’ she say. ‘This Fooella — he come with other man to cave of stick. He assault Cheri! He bad man! And now he want join tribe? This bad idea. Me not tolerate man like this.’

‘Me good woman,’ mumble Fooella. ‘Me exist.’

But everyone ignore him.

Fem say, ‘Arca make good point. After this, how trust Fooella? It not easy. But question stay same — what do?’

‘Why not we kill him?’ say Arca.

‘No,’ say Cheri. ‘That wrong.’

‘You not want?’ 

‘It murder.’

‘But… but… he touch boobies! He not ask — he not care! He grab like piece of meat!’

‘Boobies survive,’ say Cheri. ‘Anyway, Fooella not touch. That other man. Name Pevette.’

‘What difference?’

‘Fooella try stop him.’

‘That right,’ say Fooella. ‘Me heroic woman.’

‘You shut mouth,’ say Arca. ‘Or me knock out all teeth!’

‘Me object,’ say Fem. ‘Me not want violence.’

‘But he lying!’ shout Arca. ‘He guilty, same like Pevette! He make up story for excuse bad action!’

‘We not know that,’ say Gai.

‘See again?’ say Ruti. ‘Man always defend other man! Maybe he want Fooella suck willy after all.’

‘What this! You dare insult honour of Gai and Fab?’

‘Pah!’ shout Ruti. ‘When willy involved, no man have honour. Every time, he put willy before women.’

Now Gai turn red. He angry! ‘It lucky you woman. If you man, me kick arse!’

‘Oh,’ say Ruti. ‘Look this — now we see true colour. He sexist, like pig!’

‘Now pig sexist?’ laugh Gai. ‘This too much. Maybe you sexist!’

‘That enough!’ shout Fem. ‘No more insult! We need solve problem. So far, there few suggestion: We kill Fooella, or knock out teeth. But me not allow violence. So it only two choice left: it Fooella join tribe, or exile. Me not hear other idea.’

Tribe grumble. We divided, everybody angry. But Fem right. It only two choice. But then me remember Pevette. 

‘We hear from Fooella,’ me say. ‘But maybe he lying? Maybe Pevette tell different story. Me want hear.’

‘Hom make good point,’ say Fem. ‘But it late now. It time for sleeping. In morning, we visit Pevette at cave of stick.’

Tribe agree. Before sleep, we give soft fur for make Fooella warm. We keep tied, but loosen bonds for comfort. We ask him not speak, or we silence again with hide of rabbit. He not argue, only thank for kindness. He lie down on fur, close eyes. He sleep. Soon tribe sleep too.

[Next Episode]

Baby Snake

(The Saga of Caveman Hom, Episode 12)


[Previous Episode]

Fooella pause story for sip water from coconut. Tribe wait. We patient. And at last, he continue more:

He say when he wake, he see King Tra with guards, name Henn and Schmenn. Tra hold up lost willy. It look very small. It shrivelled with purple colour. 

Tra say, ‘Stig find willy on stone. At first he think it slug, but then he see blood. He see stone knife. And he realise — it terrible accident! So he pick up willy, bring Tra. Me clever, so me know what do — me find Krone for healing. And here me find Fooella. You sleeping, so me wait for wake. Now me want know — what happen?’

Fooella still have much pain, but he smile. ‘It not accident. It clever plan.’

‘What plan?’

‘Me cut off willy.’

‘Why you cut?’

‘Answer simple. Me want boobies. Me want pretty face with no hair. Me want be real woman. Real woman not have willy. Now me not have willy, so me real woman too. Now me best woman in tribe! Me important.’

Fooella expect words make Tra happy. He think now he real woman, Tra impressed! He think now Tra want sex. Maybe Tra make him Princess! Princess Fooella, he think. This great honour. He not mind pain — it small price. If he Princess, it worth it. 

But this only dream. King Tra not happy. Instead he have angry face. He throw cut willy in fire. It make loud sizzle! Then he shout Fooella.

‘What this? You say real woman not have willy? But me have willy — you think me not real woman? You think me only man with coconut on chest? You bigot, and worse — you wrong! Me real woman, but better — me have willy!’ Tra push aside loincloth, he show. ‘See willy? It big and strong, like snake! But it smell sweet, like flower in meadow.’ Then Tra thrust willy in face of Fooella. ‘Here,’ he say. ‘Sniff willy.’

Fooella sniff. It not smell like flower, but he lie. ‘It lovely,’ he say. ‘It fine willy, fit for King. It just like baby snake.’

‘That right,’ say Tra. ‘Me very proud.’ He put away willy. ‘All best women have willy. So you stupid for cut off. Now you inferior. You bad woman, like Krone.’

When Krone hear this, she hide laugh. But she not speak, only stir cauldron.

‘Me not mean offence,’ say Fooella. ‘Me sorry.’

‘That good.’

‘But me not stupid. Soon me grow boobies. Then you understand.’

King Tra think about this. ‘Me like boobies,’ he say. ‘Me want touch.’

‘You King! When boobies grow, me offer. Touching welcome! Kissing also allowed.’

Tra smile. ‘Me want touch boobies,’ he say. ‘Boobies nice. Me like big one. How long it take for grow?’

‘Me not know.’

‘Me wait,’ say King. ‘But me not wait long. Me hope boobies come soon.’ Then he leave with Henn and Schmenn.

Krone continue healing. Soon pain fade, and scar begin form. Every day Fooella check, but boobies not grow. Feet not shrink. Face not grow pretty, and still have hair. Every day Tra come, he look boobies, but not impressed — it nothing there, only nipple, like chest of man. 

Fooella ask Krone why boobies not grow. She shrug. She not surprise. She say it more to woman than man with no willy — she say it big difference. Fooella ask explain, but Krone only chuckle. She say she not have words. But Nature Spirit understand — if man cut willy, it no difference. He still man! Man is not woman. He human too, but different kind. 

Fooella think. Then he say, ‘Maybe me cut nuts off too.’

‘That bad idea,’ say Krone. ‘And it not make you woman.’

Then Fooella have idea, try make trouble for Krone. He ask about King Tra. But Krone laugh — she not fear Tra. She say Tra not woman, he only idiot man. Fooella say she bigot, but Krone only laugh more. ‘This silly,’ she say. ’But also it sad. Tra make big mess of tribe. Me live long life. Me see much. But never before me think men this stupid! It big surprise.’ Then Krone shrug. ‘Every day, me learn more of men nonsense.’

This make Fooella angry. ‘You bad woman!’ he shout. ‘You not know science! You nasty bigot, have superstitious view of women!’

When Krone hear this, she only laugh more. 

Now Fooella truly enraged! ’Me not safe here!’ he scream. ‘Me go!’ 

Finally, Krone stop laughing. ’Wait!’ she cry. ‘Cut willy is bad injury. It not healed! If leave now, infection likely. That bad.’

‘Me not care!’ shout Fooella. ‘Me woman! Me want only exist!’ Then he stomp off. 

Fooella return to own cave. He hungry, but not have food, so he sleep. When he wake he hungry more. He try hunt pig, but he fail. He try catch fish, but fish hiding. He try dig root, but he pick wrong one. He throw sick. Then he get fever. He have vision, see boobies grow big. He see hair fall from face, and feet shrink. He very excite. He run to cave of Tra for tell good news, but he weak from hunger. He fall at entrance. Tra take pity. Henn and Schmenn wrap warm in fur, give food. Next day Fooella feel better enough for show boobies. Tra summon tribe for watch big event.

‘Look,’ say Fooella, ‘me have boobies!’ He remove coconut. Tribe stare, but they not see boobies. Only Fooella see. He also show feet. ‘See how dainty?’ he say. ‘It feet of woman, very nice.’ 

Again tribe look. ‘Feet big,’ say Bok. ‘Toes hairy. It not pretty. It same like man.’

‘What?’ cry Fooella. ‘This nonsense!’

Tra step forward. He frown. He look close at chest of Fooella, but he not see boobies. ’Maybe it invisible,’ he say. Then he reach forward for squeeze invisible boobies. But it not there! Now Tra angry. He point finger of rage. ‘You lie!’ he say. ‘You not grow boobies. Face still have hair. Feet big, like paws of bear. You cut off willy for nothing!’

Tribe laugh. 

‘Fooella stupid,’ say Queen Buz. ‘She say she woman, but maybe it lie? No woman so stupid like this. So maybe she not woman. Maybe she man.’

‘No!’ cry Fooella. ‘Me woman!’

‘You say you woman,’ say Tra. ‘But you liar. You promise boobies, but they not arrive. You play dirty trick! This typical of man.’

‘Man bad,’ say Ang. ‘He make rule for oppress woman.’

Henn and Schmenn agree. ‘Man evil!’ they shout. ‘He always make trouble.’

‘Me woman!’ shout Fooella. ‘Me not make trouble. Me only exist!’

‘Maybe you woman,’ say Tra. ‘It no way tell. But you not have boobies, and now willy gone too!’

’Me want remind,’ say Buz. ‘It not long ago tribe have big problem women who not have willy. They try kill King Tra! They evil.’ Then he think. ‘At least they have boobies. That good. But Fooella not have — so what good he? It none.’

‘That right,’ say Tra. ‘He useless!’

‘Me not he!’ scream Fooella. ‘Me she! Me cut off willy, so me brave. Now me beautiful woman! Me have small feet, big boobies. Me stunning. What happen eyes? Whole tribe go blind!’

‘It nothing wrong eyes,’ say Tra. ‘Problem not with tribe. It only Fooella. He go crazy! So now he man.’

‘Man dangerous,’ shout Buz. ‘He oppress! We not want man here! This tribe only for women. And more — we not want bad women. It willy required. So truth simple. It not matter if Fooella man or woman; he big problem for tribe.’

‘That right,’ say Tra. ‘Buz wise. Fooella stupid. He not belong here. If he grow boobies, me lenient. But it not grow. So me exile Fooella.’

‘What this?’ sob Fooella. ‘It great injustice! You cruel King. You jealous of big boobies, small feet.’

Tribe laugh. 

‘He crazy man!’ say Buz. ‘Without willy, he dangerous. Quick — throw out, before he kill King!’

‘Me not man,’ cry Fooella. ‘Me woman! Me sexy.’

But it too late. Henn and Schmenn grab Fooella arms. They drag from cave of Tra, throw to ground. Rest of tribe follow. Henn spit, Schmenn kick. ‘You go,’ they say. ’And not come back! Or we kill.’ Schmenn kick once more. Then tribe leave.

Only Pevette stay. When Fooella stop crying, he give hug. Fooella cry again, but he hug back. Then Pevette speak soft. ‘Me want see boobies. Me want touch.’

‘You welcome,’ sob Fooella. Again he remove coconut.

Pevette look. ‘Me not see.’ He touch. ‘Me not feel. Me think big boobies is only imagination.’

‘You nasty woman,’ reply Fooella. ‘You bigot.’ 

‘Maybe that true,’ say Pevette. ’Who know?’ He shrug. ‘It not matter. You exile. What do now?’

‘Me not know. Maybe me cut own throat.’

‘What this? You want die?’

‘Me want.’

‘That wrong,’ say Pevette. ‘It against Nature Spirit.’

‘Me not care! Life cruel!’

Pevette think about this. ‘That true. But me know problem.’

‘What that?’

‘Problem is tribe. It no boobies here. Without boobies, women always sad.’ Pevette sigh. ‘It only boobies make life bearable.’

‘But me have boobies, and still sad!’

Pevette not want argue more. It boring. ‘It not enough boobies,’ he say. ‘Tribe need more.’

Then Fooella have idea. ‘Maybe me not cut throat. Maybe instead me go over mountain. Me look for bad women. If alive, me find. Now me bad woman too, so me join. Maybe it better life.’

‘That good idea! Bad women have plenty boobies.’ Pevette smile. ‘Me want see. Me want touch. So me come too.’

Then Pevette fetch food — he good hunter, so he have plenty. Then Fooella and Pevette leave tribe, climb mountain. It long journey. They lucky — weather warm, so not snow. But Fooella still have injury. And Krone right, it not healed. Soon it infected. It not possible move fast. Pevette grow impatient — he want see boobies! But still, he stay.

Journey continue. They reach top of mountain, and descent begin. Tree grow thicker, and more squirrel. They hear song of bird. They see rabbit, and distant goat. 

Then they find cave of stick. From inside come voice — it sound like woman! Pevette creep quiet to cave. He peek in! He see Arca and Cheri. He see boobies — it very nice! So then he lose mind.

At last Fooella finish story. It just in time — now soup ready! Gai, Fab, and Min fill few coconut, then carry to cave of stick for feed guard. When return, tribe eat. Fooella eat too. And dog.

[Next Episode]

Kiss Arse

(The Saga of Caveman Hom, Episode 11)


[Previous Episode]

‘When women leave tribe,’ say Fooella, ‘King Tra get angry. It no women left, only Krone, and she old. Tra want woman for sex, but Krone no good. Instead she want young one with nice boobies. But tribe not have.’

‘That own fault,’ say Nizzi. ‘Tra stupid.’

Fooella smile. ‘Me hear funny rumour. Me hear King Tra want sex Krone, but she laugh. Tra try beg, but it no good. She try threaten, but Krone not scared. So then Tra grab stick. She try hit, but Krone move fast, grab stick from hand. She hit Tra with stick many time. Tra cry. Krone give good beating, then give back stick. She crumble herb in cauldron, heal wound. Soon Tra stop crying, but she humiliated. She never touch Krone again.’

Tribe laugh. 

‘Krone fierce,’ me say. ‘Me glad she give beating. But what wrong Tra? Everybody know Krone is woman who like sex only woman. She have sex man only for make Hom. Then she stop. She not want man again.’ 

‘But Tra is woman,’ say Fooella. ‘Not man.’

‘He say he woman, but he have willy. So what difference? Only coconut.’

‘You wrong,’ say Fooella. ‘It more.’

‘What more?’

‘If man say he woman, then he woman. If woman say she man, then she man.’

‘That nonsense!’ say Fem. ‘And it beside point. You, Fooella — finish story! Me want eat.’

So Fooella continue. He not so good tell story, so me change words. These words of Hom. But story still same:

He say Tra want sex woman, but tribe have only men. It problem. But then Buz have idea. One day he decide he woman, and he young — this mean he sexy! He find good coconut for wear on chest. He use stone for scrape hair from leg. He learn walk with wiggle. He speak in high voice. Then he find Tra. 

He say, ‘You Tra, King of Women! Me woman, so me beautiful, and have good smell. Me have nice boobies here behind coconut. Why not we have sex?’

Tra agree. He have sex Buz. He make Buz Queen. Then he remember father of Buz, name Boz. Boz once Chief, before Fem, but he drop big stone on foot; he get bad injury, trigger election. Now Tra give Boz special name too — he call him Father Queen. Boz very proud. 

Then Tra make rule. He say King, Queen and Father make Royal family. He say all tribe must kiss Royal arse. When see Father Queen, they kiss once. When see Queen Buz, they kiss twice. When see King Tra, tribe kiss arse twice, then once more with tongue. 

This new rule, but Tra not let tribe vote. He say democracy bad — it lead to chaos! Instead he have better system — he make rule for everybody. It no debate allowed. Then Tra wave stick. He say Royal family born to rule. They all women, so this mean women better than men. Women always gentle and pretty. Women clever. But men stupid. Also, they ugly and smell bad. So women need hit men with stick, for keep control. He say this natural.

At first men not agree, but soon have same idea like Buz. They scrape hair from leg. They wear coconut on chest. They have sex Royal family. Soon it no men left, only women! Everybody walk with big stick, but they not find men for hit. For short time is peace, but then come trouble. Everybody want be best woman in tribe, make big boast of own beauty. But who have most? It much discussion, but not reveal truth. Fighting begin, but question remain — who is great beauty of tribe? Who best for Royal sex? Nobody know. So fighting continue. It big problem.

But Fooella have idea. He think it clever. He remember he expert on worm. He know all baby worm is girl, never boy. No baby worm have willy. But when worm grow up she want sex. When worm meet other worm, she check for willy. If she find willy, then worm have sex. If not find, then one worm grow willy — it not matter which! Then worm have sex. 

After Fooella think about this long time, he know meaning. It mean girl worm same like boy worm, except one thing — boy worm have willy! If boy worm lose willy, he girl again. So why not human same? If man cut off willy, he become woman. Maybe he lose hair on leg. Maybe he grow boobies, and feet shrink. He get pretty face! Then, he not only woman — he good one! He most beautiful woman in tribe. When Fooella think this, he smile! He very happy for expert knowledge! Thanks to worm, he know exactly what do.

So Fooella take stone knife. He make very sharp. Then he place willy on flat stone. He position knife, take deep breath. Then he cut willy. He scream! Then he pass out. When he wake up, he feel terrible pain! He look — willy hang by thread, and much blood. He determined, so he finish cut willy. Again he scream, but nobody come. He feel faint, but he get up, find Krone. Blood drip on ground while walk. When Fooella find Krone, she shake head. She tut. But she say nothing, only try heal. She give food. Then Fooella sleep. 

[Next Episode]

Tears of Hypocrite

(The Saga of Caveman Hom, Episode 10)


[Previous Episode]

Ali, Cul and Cal stay for guard Gel while heal Pevette. Rest of tribe return to big cave for eat — later, we bring plenty food for guard. Fooella still tied, he not walk well, so me help Gai carry. At first he drag feet but Gai shout and thrust spear. Fooella cry again, but now he make effort, support own weight. 

At cave we find hide of rabbit. It good for small shoe. It also good for keep man quiet. We tie Fooella tight to big rock. We shove hide in mouth, tie with twine. Now he not escape, he not talk. This good. Now tribe make food. Today we not hunt, so make soup with dry meat from deer. It need cook long time. In end it good, but fresh meat always better.

While soup cook, tribe talk. Fem ask Arca and Cheri what happen. She hear it already, but not all. Now she want tribe hear too. This time she want full story.  While listen, we not idle. Some make arrow or shoe. Some prepare hide. Me make spear. Mat sit by fire, draw mark on ground. Tix sit with him. She clever. She learn much already. She good daughter, make Hom proud! 

Arca begin story. She say, ‘We go cave of stick for smooching. At first it little bit, but soon it grow more. Me remove loincloth. Me horny! Then Cheri reach down with hand. She begin—’

‘Enough!’ interrupt Cheri. ‘They not need sex details!’

‘Me want details,’ say Fab. ‘Details important.’

Everybody laugh. Then Fem say, ’You want sex details? Use imagination!’

Fab grin. ‘Me only joking. Me like naughty humour.’ 

‘Humour good,’ say Fem. ‘But this not time for joke.’ She turn to Arca and Cherry. ‘Me sorry for interrupt. It rude. Please continue story.’

‘Me also sorry,’ say Fab. ‘Context important.’

Arca continue. She say she smooching in cave with Cheri. Suddenly she see man at entrance. She not recognise. But it Pevette, he watching! He wear coconut on chest. Arca shocked. She not know what do! Then Pevette grab Cheri — he put hand on boobies! He squeeze, he rub! Arca scream. Cheri turn, she scream too. She grab club of antler, she swing. It miss! Arca reach for bow. 

Then Arca see other man — it Fooella. He shout Pevette, grab arm and pull from cave. Arca come forward with bow. Cheri swing antler, but again it miss. Arca push past Cheri, get to entrance. She not want men get away! Now Cheri throw antler. This time it catch Pevette, tangle in leg. He fall. He land on cave. Sharp stick go through side. He scream! Cave collapse. 

But Arca emerge. She have bow and arrow! She try shoot Fooella, but angle bad — it miss, but close. Fooella stop running. He stand still, stare Pevette. Then he bend over for throw sick. Arca stand. She aim arrow Fooella. ‘Stay there!’ she say. ‘If move, me kill!’ 

Fooella not move. He put hand in air. Then he point Pevette. ‘It her fault,’ he say. ‘Me innocent!’ Then he begin cry. ‘Please not shoot,’ he say. ‘Me mean no harm! Pevette have big problem,’ say Fooella. ‘She obsessed with boobies! When Pevette see nice boobies, she lose control. She not think — she only want touch! Me try stop her, but she not listen. She crazy one, not me!’ 

Fooella say this through tears. Arca tell him stop talking. He obey. Then Arca look Pevette. He impaled on stick, still screaming. She hear footsteps running, make many crunch on fallen leaves. She know tribe coming. So she order Fooella sit on ground, hands on head. Arca aim arrow, she wait. Then tribe arrive.

Story finish. Arca sit. Tribe mutter — everybody angry! Women angry more.

’This big outrage!’ shout Ruti. ‘We leave old tribe. We go mountain, start new life. Much hardship, but we survive. We make new tribe, new rules. We learn hunt pig. We tribe of women! But we strong. Why men come here? We no threat. Why not men leave alone, live own life?’ Ruti spit on ground. ‘Men scum!’ Then she remember, some men here, we part of tribe too. She add, ‘Not all men. Me know some men good.’ She point Fooella. ‘But this man bad. What name? Foo? Fooella? It not matter! He scum, like other man, Pev. He deserve death!’

When Fooella hear this, he try speak. But with hide of rabbit in mouth, he only make noise with no meaning. He very scared. It obvious. It show on face. 

Now Ruti grab spear. ‘Me kill!’ she shout.

But Gai stop Ruti. He put hand on shoulder. ‘No,’ he say. ‘Not kill. Look,’ he point. ‘He so scared, he make piss in loincloth!’

Me look — it true! Fooella make puddle on ground. Loincloth wet. Piss drip down leg. He cry tears of shame. He bad man, but me not feel hate. He too pathetic. 

Ruti shake free. She glare Gai. ‘You man!’ she say. ‘You not understand.’

‘Me man,’ admit Gai. ‘It true. But me human, like woman. Foo also human. If human kill other human, it bad. This man no threat. He unarmed. If kill, it murder. Murder wrong, it against Nature Spirit. That bad luck for tribe.’

‘Pah!’ say Ruti. ‘This typical. Man always defend other man.’

‘That true,’ say Nizzi. ‘But Gai make good point. Murder bad.’ She smile. ‘So me have better idea.’ She point Foo. ‘This man, so he have willy. But he say he woman. If he woman, he not need willy. Why not we cut off willy, send back over mountain? This punishment, but better — it warning! Then men tribe fear women tribe. They not make trouble. They stay away.’

Ruti smile. ‘This good idea,’ she say. ‘Nizzi wise.’ She drop spear, pick up knife. ’Me cut!’

‘Ruti!’ shout Fem. ‘No!’

But Ruti ignore. She run forward with knife. Fooella make big noise. Me see eyes widen.

‘Stop!’ shout Fem. ‘Me give order! Me Chief!’

But it too late. Ruti reach Fooella, pull loincloth aside. She wield knife for cut willy! Now all tribe shouting. It chaos! But suddenly Ruti stop. She gasp, drop knife. Then she sink to ground. ‘What happen?’ she say. ‘Where willy?’ And Ruti begin cry.

Now all shouting stop. Tribe silent. Me stare at crotch of Fooella, but me not see willy. It gone! Now he have only stump. It ugly with scar. It look rotten.

‘Who do this?’ sob Ruti. ‘It evil!’

Gai shout her. ‘What matter? You want cut off willy, but too late! It gone already! You miss chance, so now you sad. Pah! You monster! You weep tears of hypocrite!’

Chief Fem speak quiet. ‘Gai,’ she say. ‘That enough. Now shut mouth.’

Gai give angry look, but he fall silent at face of Fem. She have deadly stare of mountain cat. He not dare argue.

‘Me sorry,’ say Ruti. ‘Me so sorry.’ She wipe eyes. ‘Me not monster. Me human, same like man!’ She lower voice. ‘Same like Foo.’ Then Ruti reach up to face of Fooella. She undo twine, take hide of rabbit from mouth.

Fooella cough. ‘Me not Foo,’ he say. ‘Me name Fooella. Me woman!’

Nizzi frown. ‘You silly,’ she reply. ‘You not have willy, but you still—’

But Chief Fem interrupt. ‘What happen willy? Who cut?’

‘That long story,’ say Fooella.

‘Me not care. It plenty time. Me want hear story.’

‘Me tell,’ say Foella. ‘But first me need drink. And me hungry.’

Fem smile. ‘Soup come soon.’ She raise voice. ‘Where water?’

‘Me fetch,’ say Min. Then she bring water in coconut. Fooella still tied, so she put coconut to lips. ‘Sip slow,’ she say. ‘Take time.’

Fooella drink. Tribe wait for finish. Then Fooella tell story of lost willy.

[Next Episode]

No Smooching

(The Saga of Caveman Hom, Episode 9)


[Previous Episode]

Autumn continue. Leaf turn red, then fall from tree. It pretty. Day still warm, but now rain fall often, wind strong. Night cold, and morning have bite. Winter come soon.

One day come big noise from forest — it screaming! Someone hurt very bad. It sound like man. Maybe big mountain cat attack! But this strange. We see big cat from distance many time. At first we scared, but she never bother us. Me think she not like eat human, she prefer deer and goat. This good news for tribe.

There also small cat in forest. They good at hiding. Sometime small cat creep slow to fire, try steal fish. Mostly she not succeed — when dog see cat he woof, cat run. Sometime cat lucky, but we not mind small cat — she harmless. 

Big cat different story, she deadly. Me think she know we good hunter, so she stay away. She not same like small cat — she wise. She not want trouble with human. So why she attack now? It not make sense. 

But this not time for thinking — it action! Me jump up quick with other hunter. We grab weapon, move fast through forest. Scream come again — we run to noise. Me hope it not too late. If man screaming, it mean he alive. Maybe he lucky, like cat. It still chance. 

We find man at place in forest where tribe build special cave from stick and leaf. This private place for smooching. Sometime me come here with Gel for make loud sex. It better sex than cave. Always in cave is other women. Maybe they make harsh judgement of sexual prowess? This big worry for all men. So tribe happy for cave of stick. We not discuss detail, but everybody come here for private smooching. If cave occupied, we not mind wait. But we discreet.

But now in cave is no smooching. Cave broken! Man lie on ground nearby. He still screaming, but now it weak. He covered in blood. It look like man fall onto cave. Sharp stick pierce body — it poke through side, under arm. It very bad injury. Then me see Arca. She hold bow with arrow ready. It point at other man. He sit on ground with hands on head. He tremble. He not injured, but very scared. He turn head at noise when arrive, but Arca not move. She keep arrow pointed. Then me notice, Arca not wear loincloith — she naked! Me look for Cheri, but me not see.

‘Where Cheri?’ ask Ali. He think same like Hom, but he ask first.

‘In cave,’ say Arca. ‘She safe.’

‘What happen?’

‘These men try join in,’ say Arca. ‘We not want. So men attack.’

‘It not true!’ say man who not screaming. He speak in silly voice, but he sound familiar. Me look closer. Me recognise — it Foo! He expert on worm, from old tribe. But now he wear coconut on chest, like man who say he woman. 

‘Foo,’ me say. ‘It Hom!’

He turn, he see me. ‘It good see Hom again.’

‘Why you speak in silly voice? Why you wear coconut on chest?’

‘Me woman now,’ he say. ‘Name Fooella.’

Now me notice Foo wear many small flower in hair. Some flower pink, some blue. Flower pretty. But flower in hair bad mistake for Foo. He not pretty man, but now flower show truth — if he woman, it worse.

‘What this?’ Ali laugh. ‘You make joke?’

‘Me serious,’ say Foo. Then he jerk head toward injured man. ‘You remember man, name Pev? Now she woman too, name Pevette. This mess her fault.’

‘You, Pevette,’ say Arca. ’Stop noise or me kill Fooella. Then me kill you.’

Me look again at injured man. He wear coconut on chest, like Foo. Me move closer, for see face. Me recognise — it really Pev! He also have flower in hair, but it few. Maybe rest fall off in fight. 

‘Pev,’ me say. ‘What happen here?’

But he not answer question. ‘Pev gone,’ he groan. ‘Me name Pevette.’ Then he sleep sudden. Me bend down, examine wound. It very bad — me hiss through teeth. But when me look close me have small hope. Stick go through side, but it not hit lung. Maybe it not hit any organ. It possible he survive. 

Me turn to Ali. ’Go fetch Gel,’ me say. ‘Quick!’

‘Me bring Chief too,’ say Ali. Then he go. 

Me say Arca, ‘We have spear. It no need shoot Foo. Hom, Gai, Cul — we all here. We good hunter. Foo not escape.’

‘Fooella,’ say Foo. ‘Me name Fooella!’

Arca glare. ’Me want kill now.’

‘That murder,’ me reply. ‘Me not know what happen, but he no more threat. He only annoying.’

‘But he try… he try…’ Suddenly Arca lower bow and cry. ‘Cheri,’ she sob. ‘Cheri!’

Cheri crawl out from broken cave. She also naked. ‘Me here,’ she say. ‘Me have bruise and few small cut. But me no problem.’ 

Arca drop bow on ground. She run forward for hug Cheri. Hug last long time. Then Cheri crawl back in cave of sticks. She pull out loincloth. ‘Here,’ she say. ‘It chilly. These warm.’

When Chief Fem arrive with Gel, Arca and Cheri wear loincloth. Fem bring twine of deer sinew — it very strong. She hand twine to Gai. She point Fooella. ‘Tie him,’ she say. ‘And make strong. Me not want escape.’

Gai take twine. He tie hands of Fooella. Then he tie feet. Me help. Cul watch close. He keep spear ready for kill Fooella if trouble. Arca pick up bow and arrow, she also watch ready. But Fooella not make trouble. He only cry. 

Pevette still unconscious. Gel go quick, examine wound. She shake head. ‘It bad,’ she say. ‘It possible treat, but first me need remove sharp stick. Then much blood come, me need work fast. So me not pull stick yet. Me need prepare.’ Then Gel fetch cauldron and herbs. She light fire, boil water in cauldron. By now arrive whole tribe. She ask fetch two hide of deer, now dry and ready for wear. We fetch. Then Gel say, ‘Me treat here, but it need shelter for make warm. Cave need fix.’

Fem agree. ‘But this difficult,’ she say. ’This man — name Pevette?’

Me confirm.

‘Pevette in way.’ Fem point. ‘He lie on cave. If fix cave, need move.’

‘Me know,’ say Gel. ‘Me nearly ready. Me wait only for boil. Then it time pull sharp stick. Me clean wound, stop blood. While me do this, tribe fix cave. When cave ready, in go Pevette. He stay here for night. Me also stay.’

‘Me understand,’ say Fem. ‘But what if he wake? Maybe he try kill. Me think it need guard. Who volunteer?’

Me speak up, but Fem smile. ‘Not you, Hom. You husband of Fem. This smooching place. Me worry you distract Gel.’

‘Me not distract. Me guard!’

‘Word final,’ say Fem. ‘Who else want guard?’

In end, Fem choose Ali and Cul for guard. They good with spear. She also choose Cal. She good with arrow, and have good temper, always calm. 

When water boil, Gel drop hide of deer in water. She add herb. Then she stir cauldron with stick. Steam rise with smell of herb. Gel sniff air, then nod. ‘Me ready,’ she say. ‘Time for move.’

Tribe take position for lift Pevette. Ali slide hand under body, take hold of sharp stick. ‘It slippery,’ he say. ‘Much blood.’

‘That nothing,’ say Gel. ‘You see.’ She pull hide from water. She put handful of herb in mouth. She chew. Then she take position by Pevette, near wound. ‘Ready?’ she say.

Everybody ready.

‘One,’ say Gel. ’Two. Go!’

Now tribe lift. It take much strength. We grit teeth. Ali hold stick firm, he pull. Slowly, stick move. Pevette open eye, he squeal like pig on spear. At last stick come out. Blood gush hard. Tribe lower gently to ground. Then Gel do medicine. She move fast. She spit out herb in hand, she press in wound. Pevette make bad noise of pain, then he sleep again. Gel wrap hide around body, she make tight with twine.

Meanwhile, tribe work hard, fix cave of stick. Bivi supervise — she design cave, so she know what do. We follow instruction, but sometimes there mistake — then Bivi angry, she shout! She say she not know we so stupid. She say it miracle we survive! Tribe smile. Everybody like Bivi. She small, but she fierce! Nobody argue — only fix mistake, then continue. We work fast. Night come soon. But we lucky. Cave finish in time. Bivi inspect. It messy work, she say, but it enough for use. She tap cave with foot. She say it sturdy. Tribe proud of work. Maybe cave messy, but we not mind. It still good.

Pevette still sleeping, but he groan in sleep. Gel brew more herb in cauldron for use later. But first we need move Pevette into cave. Bivi have idea. She take many stick, tie together with twine. It make long platform for carry. Tribe lift Pevette gentle, put down on platform. This time he not wake. Then we carry platform into cave, leave there. Gel fold more hide. She reach over, lift head of Pevette, then place hide under. Then she go back to cauldron.

‘What think?’ ask Fem. ‘He live?’

‘Me not know,’ say Gel. ‘Wound bad. In morning, me look again.’

Fem nod. ‘Me understand,’ she say. ‘Medicine always uncertain.’

‘Life uncertain,’ say Gel. ‘It work of Nature Spirit.’ She smile. ‘Medicine same.’

[Next Episode]


Counting Fact

(The Saga of Caveman Hom, Episode 8)


[Previous Episode]

Time pass, weather turn warm. We hunt many time. It not success always, but often. We catch more rabbit, we catch goat. We catch pig. We find mountain stream, catch fish in net. We roast fish on fire with herb — it yum! We study deer, then try hunt deer same like pig. It work! Not always, but often. Then dog join in — he chase deer, he catch rabbit. Tribe have much meat. If not eat, we dry over fire. We take skin of animal for shoe and coat. We take bone of animal for tip of arrow, bone of fish for needle. We use sinew for make twine. We take antler, and use for club. 

In evening Cheri make bow. She show children how make arrow, they make. In day Arca teach tribe how shoot. We shoot bird — sometime it hit! We climb tree, steal egg of bird. Egg tasty! Tribe pick many mushroom, much herb. In summer some tree make sweet fruit. Some tree make nut. We pick more than need and dry for winter, like meat. 

In tribe is woman, name Garda. She have big idea for make more root. In spring she dig few root, she cut each in piece. Then she choose place and clear all plant from ground. She use antler for dig earth, make many hole. In each hole she put piece root, then bury. Then Garda put water on ground. She do this every day. After few week green shoot come where bury root piece. Garda happy — she show green shoot to tribe. 

‘Look this,’ she say. ‘Here come many plant. They grow strong, make plenty root for eat.’ 

Tribe laugh — Garda crazy!

‘What point?’ say Mat. ‘It same. You start with big root, you cut small. Now is many small plant, small root. It no difference! It big work for nothing. It better leave work to Nature Spirit. She know how make root for eat. No need interfere.’

‘You wrong, counting man,’ say Garda. ‘Root grow big — in end, it more. You see.’

‘You have dream,’ say Mat. ‘But me know counting. Counting fact.’

Then Fem say, ‘Counting fact, but idea also good. Me want see what happen. Who know? Maybe Garda clever — like Mat, but different. If she right, it big help for tribe. So we wait. We see. For now, idea continue.’

Garda smile. Then she stick out tongue at Mat. She blow fart with mouth! Tribe laugh. Mat laugh too. Maybe it true Garda crazy. But she make good fart noise. Fart always funny. 

Soon Garda have other idea. One night after eat, she stand up. She say it bad hunt baby animal. Tribe grumble. Garda not hunter, so maybe she not know — but it easy catch baby. Baby also good for eat — meat tender, with plenty fat. But Garda not care baby tasty. She remind tribe fact of life. She say baby is future. This true for tribe — it also true for animal. If tribe kill baby, it not grow big. It not find mate for sex, make own baby. Then in future, maybe tribe not have animal for eat. We starve. This why it bad idea hunt baby. It better hunt old one. 

Hunter still grumble — they want eat baby, it taste good! This true. Young one always better. Old animal not so good — it strong flavour, but meat tough. Me also want eat baby. But me think Garda make good point. So me stand up for agree. Me say Garda wise, she think ahead to future. Future important. Tribe discuss more, then Fem call vote — tribe still democracy. Garda win vote. So now we not kill baby or young one. We hunt clever. And tribe have much meat.

After summer come autumn. Now sweet fruit on many tree. It plenty, but winter come soon. Every day, tribe gather more than need. Soon Garda dig up root — she right, they grow big! Mat wrong — he admit. But first he count root. He say it many. When include size, it more, and quality good! Mat impressed. He say he have more to learn of counting. Then he go, he sit. He take stick and make mark on ground. When Mat like this, it mean he counting very hard. We not interfere. Everybody know counting important.

Mat stay like this more than day. He stop only for eat, sleep. Then he go count more. He sit on ground, make mark with stick. He rock body like tree in wind. Next day after eat come talk. Mat stand up. He have big announcement! He invent new number, name ‘three’.

‘What three?’ ask Fab.

‘It when one go with two. When one and two go together, it always three.’ Then Mat approach fire. He take stick. He make mark. ‘See? This one.’ 

Tribe agree. Everybody understand one. Mat make other mark. He point to both mark. He say, ‘This two.’ 

Tribe yawn. We not stupid. Everybody know what is two. Then Mat make other mark next to two mark. He point to all mark, say, ‘This three.’ 

Fab frown. ’It two and one,’ he say.  

‘That right. Two and one make three!’ Mat grin. ‘Understanding perfect!’ Now he draw other mark. ‘Me also invent four.’ He point. ‘Here four mark.’

Now everybody laugh. 

‘What mean? This nonsense!’ say Cul. ‘This two mark, and again two mark.’

‘That right!’ say Mat. ‘Two and two make four. Also three and one make four.’ Now Mat draw one more mark. ‘This five mark,’ he say. ‘It four mark and one mark. It also three mark and two mark. And it same like two mark and two mark and one mark more.’

‘You crazy,’ say Fab. ‘This few mark — but you say it same like one mark, two mark. It not!’ Fab grab stick from Mat, make few more mark on ground. ‘Me make more mark — so what this? Me think it many.’

Mat stare at ground. ‘Yes, it many. But look!’ He point. ‘Here two. Here is other one. That make three! Now here is other two, and two again. That four. But forget four, it just mean two and two. Four simple. Now look more — here again is one and two. It three! And here other one. So all together it three, and two and two, and three, and one! Together it many, but many always made of one, two, three.’

Tribe stare Mat. We look ground, see many mark. We see it made of few and few and few together. We also see here one mark, there two mark. But so what?

‘Everybody know few and few and few is many,’ say Cul. ‘But three mean nothing. Mat waste time. Time limited. So Mat bad.’ Then he rub out mark with foot. ‘Now you count nothing.’

Mat look sad. He go quiet. Discussion move on. But Mat not speak. He stay by fire with stick, make mark again. He never stop counting. He obsessed! But he still clever. Me think maybe it good learn counting. Maybe it fun. Me stupid, but me have daughter, name Tix. She not like shoot, she not good make arrow. But she clever, she like think. So maybe Tix learn counting from Mat. Me think this good idea, but me not sure. Next day me discuss with Gel, she agree.

But that come later. For now me take two piece fruit, go sit by fire with Mat. He make more mark on ground. Me not talk, only watch. Me not want disturb counting. Me say nothing, but me tap Mat shoulder, give one piece fruit. He take. He turn to Hom, he smile. He bite into fruit. Then Mat go back to counting.

[Next Episode]

Green Shoot

(The Saga of Caveman Hom, Episode 7)


[Previous Episode]

It long winter, but nothing last forever. When spring come, everywhere me see green shoot poke up through melting snow. Blossom appear on tree, bring many insect. Without snow, rabbit hard to track. So we make hunting trip down mountain into valley. There grass long. We find many mushroom. We pick. We dig up plant for root. We search for lair of pig. We find shit, but pig still hiding. It not matter — we find deer! 

It big herd, many young. Deer gather in clearing, eat grass. Suddenly stag turn. He stare. He bellow. He very fearsome, have antler like tree of thorn. He angry, he attack! Hunter throw spear. But stag change direction, he run away after herd. He very fast. Spear miss. Then Arca shoot arrow, but she not hit stag. This surprise. Arca hit rabbit easy. Stag much bigger than rabbit. So why she miss? Me look Arca. Me think she sad, but she smiling. 

‘Me not miss,’ she say. ‘Look.’ She point at place where arrow fly. 

Hunter look, we shade eye. Me see nothing, but Cul, he closer, have good eyesight. He laugh. He run forward through tree, bend to ground, then straighten. He smile. He hold up baby deer! It dead from arrow in throat. Now everybody cheer. Me pat Arca on back. 

‘This good shooting,’ me say. ‘You hero!’

‘It nothing,’ say Arca. ‘Only luck. Next time we not get close. Deer clever.’

‘This true,’ me say. ‘Why deer not smell hunter?’

‘Me not know,’ say Arca. ‘But need good plan, or not catch again.’

We go back up mountain to cave. We bring baby deer, mushroom, and root. On way back we find goat. Goat injured. She have broken leg from fall in hole where weasel live. Goat in pain, she bleat. She not survive. When goat die, weasel appear, he eat. Or maybe weasel not wait, he eat goat alive. 

Me shudder. Goat bleat again. Me not like bleat. It sad, like baby cry — me feel distress. But then Cul kill goat quick with spear, and me feel relief. Cul pick up carcass and carry over shoulder, back to cave. This hunt big success!

That night soup nutritious. It thick with root and lump of meat. Whole tribe fill belly, and still some left. We save for morning. Tomorrow we hunt again. Tonight we make plan. Me want hunt pig, but it difficult. Today we find only shit. It good tracking by Cheri, but not enough — pig still hidden. Cul think maybe it better hunt deer. 

Tribe discuss. We good hunter, but we not know deer like know pig. Everybody know pig. Pig dangerous, but he predictable. We know what pig do. Way of deer still mysterious. After much discussion, Fem decide. If see deer, sit quiet. We watch, learn way of deer. If chance come, good — we kill. But deer not target. Tomorrow we hunt pig.

‘But me see problem,’ me say. ‘Pig strong. We tribe of women, only few men. Some men good with spear. Gai, Ali, Cul — it not enough. Me also good with spear, but me have bad leg. If hunt pig, need plan. Thinking important.’

‘This true,’ say Fab. ‘Hom wise.’

But me not wise. Me stupid. Me not know how hunt pig with women. Tribe discuss problem, but words go over head. Me far away like dream, me see pig run, he turn like stag, but other way — he run at woman! He attack! 

Maybe he run at Cal. Maybe he attack Cheri. Maybe he kill Arca! Pig very dangerous. He big and strong, with sharp tusk! Without spear, even strongest man not win fight with pig. And women small. Maybe they have spear, but they not strong, not skill — they only learning! They no match for angry pig. Maybe we use arrow — but pig have thick hide! Maybe arrow slow him down, but for kill it take many. Arca good with bow, but nobody that good. And Arca too important. If she injured, tribe finish. It better not take big risk. 

But suddenly me have idea. Maybe it clever.  Me stand up. ‘Me know Arca good with bow,’ me say. ‘Who else?’

Next day hunter set off early. With help of Fab, Cheri search forest for lair of pig. It take half day, but they find! We close enough see pig, but she not see us. We stay downwind so pig not smell. We move slow, quiet — she not hear. Hunter take position. Then me give signal. 

Ali run at pig with spear! He make big noise. Pig very scared, she run. Then Gai jump up with spear, he also make shout. Pig squeal! She turn, she run into clearing — but it trap! Hiding in tree is Arca, Ruti, and Cal. Women shoot pig with arrow — two hit! Pig scream — she wounded. Then come Ali and Gai quick with spear, kill pig. 

But then second pig come! He run at Gai with tusk, but Gai fast, he jump away. Then Cul come running, he also have spear. He shout very loud. Second pig turn, but arrow come — it miss, but pig terrified. He turn back, he run — now he move towards Hom! 

Me have spear ready. Me crouch in long grass. Me hidden. Me wait til pig close, then me throw spear with full strength. It catch pig in throat! He fall. He try squeal, but bad noise come. Pig choking. Soon Cul reach pig and finish him. It success! 

Women climb down from tree. But then Cheri have idea — she take Arca and Fab, go quiet to lair of pig. They find pig baby. Baby run, but it no good — Arca kill two with arrow. Fab kill other one. We kill whole pig family! It great triumph. Everybody happy. It all thanks to clever plan of Hom! Me proud.

We tie pig to stick for carry, then we go. We walk up mountain, sing song of hunting prowess. On way Cal pick many mushroom. Ruti find good herb for cook pig. Me pick sweet berry. Fab dig root. Food plentiful. It time for feast!

But Chief Fem say no to feast. She say it too much, too soon. Today we lucky with hunt. But food always limited. Tomorrow maybe hunt fail, tribe go hungry. So it better not eat all pig. Mother pig and baby is plenty meat for soup. We have good herb. We have root, and sweet berry. We not need eat Father pig. Instead we butcher careful, dry meat on high stick over fire. We dry mushroom same way. Now if hunt fail, tribe still have food. We also dry hide of pig for make shoe or warm coat. Winter here hard, say Fem. It important prepare. We start now, she say. Then tribe ready. 

Me grumble in head — me look forward to feast! But me know Fem right. She wise. So me stay quiet. Other hunter also sad. But it not last long. There plenty soup — it very tasty with herb and berry. Again whole tribe eat well, and enough left for morning. 

Fem approach while me eat. She smile, then speak quiet. ‘It good idea hide in tree. Make big success!’

‘It very good!’ me laugh. ‘Me not expect it work so well.’ 

Fem frown. ‘How you think of plan?’

‘Me not know.’ Me shrug. ‘It pop into head, like magic!’

Fem lower voice to whisper. ‘It good idea,’ she say. ‘But maybe it not come from Hom.’

‘What mean?’

‘Min say idea first,’ say Fem. ’She say we hide in tree, shoot pig from high.’

‘What?’ me exclaim. ‘Min have same idea?’

’She speak quiet. Maybe you not hear.’

‘Last night everybody talk,’ me say. ‘But me not listen, me think. Maybe Min say it. But me not remember.’

Fem nod. ‘Me remember. Min say it first, but nobody care. But when Hom talk, tribe pay attention.’

Me stare Chief Fem. She stare back, gaze even. Me know she tell truth.

‘This strange,’ me say. ‘Why it happen?’

‘Answer simple. It because you man.’

‘That not make sense,’ me say. ‘Me man, yes — but so what? Idea is idea.’

‘Me agree,’ say Fem. ‘It stupid. But it truth.’

Me shake head. ’It not right. Me feel bad.’

Fem smile. ‘It not fault of Hom. Problem small. Fix easy.’

‘How fix?’

‘After food, me give thanks. Then Hom have chance for speak. Hom give thanks Min for idea. Idea is not plan. It Hom who make plan. But plan come from idea. So Min also deserve credit.’

‘This true,’ me say. ‘But me not hear what Min say. Me think it coincidence. Me think Hom and Min have same idea.’

Fem nod. ‘Maybe it true. But truth not matter now. This politics.’ Fem reach forward, squeeze shoulder in friendship. ‘You want easy life? Give thanks Min.’

‘Me not understand,’ me admit, ‘but you Chief. Me follow advice.’

‘This good.’ Fem smile. ‘Hom wise.’

So after eat, when me get chance, me give thanks Min for good idea hide in tree. Min smile. Everybody cheer. But it strange — cheer for Min make Hom proud. It feel like cheer for Min also cheer for Hom. Me confuse. Me look Chief Fem — she happy, so me know me do right thing. Now me feel better. And after applause for Min, me thank Fem for wise leadership. 

[Next Episode]

Winter Berry

(The Saga of Caveman Hom, Episode 6)


[Previous Episode]

Last time Hom tell how tribe have mutiny after elect new Chief, name Fem. She woman. Some men not want take order woman, so there big fight. Fem captured. Mutiny led by man who say he woman, name Tra. He think he King of Women. He want hit bad women with stick, but he lose election. Tra angry. He bad loser, but he have good support from men of tribe. They not like women laugh at willy. They think it good idea hit bad women with stick. They never accept woman for Chief, but they want follow man who say he woman! These men crazy.

Me not like mutiny. Fem win election fair. Mutiny against rules of tribe — it cheating! This mean Tra liar. He not make good Chief. He not win loyalty of Hom. Instead, me loyal to real Chief, Fem. So me gather friends, make plan. We rescue Chief, then escape over mountains, make new tribe. Tribe have many women, few men. Many children also. And dog. At first me not like dog, but he make friends. He good dog.

Me get injury in leg from fall down mountain. It heal strong, but now me walk with limp. Walk not so bad, but run slow. Me look silly when run. Sometimes if me sit long time in bad position, leg ache and go stiff. This not good for hunt pig. 

We find big cave on mountain. We lucky — it enough for whole tribe! There plenty firewood, so inside cave it warm. Outside cave, it very cold. Snow fall often. It cover land deep. Near cave entrance it only go to ankle, but in many place it up to knee or more.

Winter hard. Food scarce. We take turn, wrap warm in fur and leave cave for find food. We find few winter berry. We try dig roots but ground too hard — it frozen! We hunt rabbit, we try hunt goat. It difficult, but we lucky — in tribe is woman, name Arca. She very good with bow. Arca have friend Cheri. She not so good with bow, but she much better at make than use. And she very good at tracking. 

Me think Arca and Cheri both women who like sex only woman. So me think maybe they special friends. Me think this, but me not know truth. And me not ask. It no business of Hom who like sex who. Me not care. What matter is together Arca and Cheri make good hunting team. They catch many rabbit. They also catch squirrel. One time they even catch goat! It more success than other hunter. Tribe still hungry, but rabbit soup keep alive. Everybody grateful to Arca and Cheri. 

Me also try hunt. Me fail, but nobody complain. Everybody know Hom play big part in escape over mountain. They know wife Gel wise woman of tribe, with healing power. Children also popular. We important family for luck. If food, we eat. Dog also good luck, so everybody give bone. He wag tail, lick face. Dog make tribe laugh, lift heart. He good friend of tribe. He eat well.

In evening after eat, tribe gather round fire, stay warm in cave. Children cuddle. Always Chief Fem speak, give thanks to Nature Spirit for gift of life. Sometime she say more, want big discussion, everybody speak. Fem always listen careful, talk soft. At end, she decide.

When discussion over, it nearly time for sleep. But first come story. Or sometimes it poem, or soft song. Some people good at this — but it need practice! So we take turn. First time me try tell story, whole tribe laugh. Me think this mean me bad at story, so me stop. But tribe want continue. They say story good. Tribe say me funny, like dog. Me proud! This big compliment for Hom. After that me not fear tell story. Me enjoy.

[Next Episode]